Existential Pain (2012 Unhealthy Watermelons)

Existential Pain (Unhealthy Watermelons), 23 April 2012

Existential Pain.

I thought I had transcended it.

Evolved.

To a better life where these existential pain notes* are no longer needed.

But this note is looking at me mockingly and I can no longer hold it in. So here we go.

 I guess we  never really grow up. Or grow out. We just take it all in and Expand. Different experiences of life that come to us from start to end always stay inside us. In the form of a feeling, a memory, a lesson, a thought or whatever depending on our personality type. In a sense, they do actually make us who we are today. They govern our reactions and choices. They form our likes and dislikes. So subtly that we don't even notice it.

 This is how this works:

My mom asked me couple of days ago, " Why do you keep buying melons when you don't eat them?" She is not wrong. I buy a watermelon, cut it nicely and store it in the fridge carefully. Then either I forget about it or get the container out everyday, barely touch a piece or two and put it back. In few days, I throw the whole thing out. I paused and said, "Melons are good for health. We should eat them. All nutritionists recommend them."

Then I thought to myself, why don't I actually eat them????

To my surprise,  a scene emerged in my mind instantly: I was young - 5 or 6 maybe.  My father and I were driving by a huge melon-stand on the road (the kind you see in summers in India) and he was telling me that melons are bad for health, in particular watermelons because the juicy water in them is actually just a dirty pond water.

He buys melons regularly and doesn't actually believe in it. But that day he was a in a hurry and I was acting bratty. Well done, dad. Now you have a daughter with melon-issues!

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Even as adults, we are carrying many of these hard-wired subconscious reactions in us that are based on our childhood experiences. Way too many to count. In fact, I would say that majority of our social/emotional personality is based on them. 

Does this mean we are forever slaves to our old irrational behavioural patterns?

Luckily not. Because we still have our intellectual personality. Our ability to "think" about things fundamentally which was still developing when we were young or did not have enough exposure. No doubt,  it is shaped by the environment - parents/teacher/ friends/ life events but this is where we keep the social/emotional personality aside (i.e. leave the prejudices aside), and stay truly honest with ourselves.

Everyone who has ever tried to "think on his own" as opposed to try to "fit in with the crowd" will agree that this is the place where we stand alone. Utterly alone. Because thinking comes from our true core. We are also the strongest there. And mentally the clearest. And behaviouraly most efficient. Why?

Because, We Know.**

When we know, we are at peace.***

As kids, we mostly 'absorbed ' the life experience and let them color our minds, but as adults we can take these experience "in" and expand  i.e. take the coloring brush in our hand and paint!

Isn't that great? 

Yes. On paper.

 Unfortunately, most of the time we just don't get to this place because the road is blocked by - well, the unhealthy watermelons!

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 You are probably wondering why am I restating the Vedanta 101 here. Well, I missed attending Jaya Row's lectures in Bay Area this weekend - she is one of my fav Vedanta speakers. So I am compensating for that. 

 THE END

 * Refer to old notes: Existential Pain (Eternal Boredom of the Spotty Mind), Existential Pain (Wasting Away)

** We know the answers to 'Five W's (Who, What, When, Where, Why) and one H' (How) for our every action, our every thought and our every feeling. There is no judgement. No good/bad. Just facts. In psychological terms, this  is self-acceptance. In spiritual terms, this is self-knowledge. In practical terms, probably self-centeredness. Haha. 

*** Knowledge ends fears. Knowledge brings peace. The biggest fear we as humans have is the fear of unknown. Fear of death, which we believe to be the biggest, is part of it because we don't know what will happen to us after death, where will we go etc. If we "knew" what death was, we would enter into it more peacefully, just like we did from high school to college - with some anxiety and lots of anticipation.