Existential Pain Series (old FB notes)

(the Opening) A thick wall obstructing the knowing denying the access to a very tightly compressed something a repository of latent, formless thought patterns that are yet to convert into emotion, word and action forms. This is the source a seed of infinite potential. Slowly a flowering an opening of an aperture. dense clouds flowing out from inside into vast outside disappearing into infinity. (the Clouds) Watch different cloud types surging in no particular sequence, one after the other. the high clouds, white and light, pure the middle clouds, grey and layered, disturbing the vertical clouds, dark and heavy, fearsome the low clouds, confusing as they come in all sorts of forms and colours; puffy, layered, formless; white, grey, dark. Each one with different energy and so many of them, carrying unlimited possibilities. (the Flow) It is a beautiful flow let it be. When you interfere you become a cloud, swing from one form into the other endlessly. Then why interrupt? It is a beautiful...

  free fall, 6 Feb 2009 i left the crutches now i am on my own falling freely through the gorge like a leaf passing one wall frame after the other i watch in amusement all the pictures endless views some of boredom, some fun, some terror, some colour their beautiful strokes, blues reds greens, pale and bright - each caught up in its own world a glance is adequate, else they seize me if i stare too long taking me for a spin - sometimes for days, months or years no, i don't want to look at them just falling freely is so much more fun..

  not be, 11 Aug 2009 If I am then I want to become all white drenched in light. so slow and calm that I can feel eternity in my each breath ...yet effervescent. and when I see, I truly see perceive wholly without any noise or perturbation but, I would much rather be invisible really really small, atomic evaporate completely and mix with everything else in the great flow and not be      

  Interest(s), 17 June 2009 Warning: Boring Alert!!! (more for self-exploration than anything else) I was updating the quotes on my profile when I realized that I had nothing under Interests. Often I come across these forms that ask me to list my Activities and Interests. Activities I can list quickly, things that I am up to these days. But the Interests field always gives me a "zen" moment where I blankly stare at the box for a few seconds. Interests?.... hmmmm. Interests? Nothing really. Can I just fill in my activities as my interests? Different people are interested in different things; they are passionate about their music, environment, some sport, art, something or other. A person's 'interest' can progress further into his cause, his passion, his love and last for the lifetime. Zakir Hussain and his tabla. Al Gore and global warming. Indians and cricket. Brangelina and family (hehe) and so on. For me, many things came but they were so short-lived that I can...

  Pre-teen to early teenage: Captain Priya (commercial flights) Flight Lt Priya Other short term ones (almost all inspired by TV): Police Inspector, Detective, Olympic champion (I was flexible on the sport) Late Teenage: Prof Priya Priya, Actress Priya, Scientist (at DRDO or NCL) Today: Priya, Sr. Biostatistician The coolness quotient got progressively lower. What happened? ------------------------------------------------ I must admit that at times it was: Farmer Priya These were times of supreme laziness (not infrequent). Had no idea how difficult it is to be one. The theory was quite simple - Why work hard? Just grow your food and eat it. What else do you need?

  Existential Pain (Wasting Away), 6 Dec 2009 The main purpose of this writeup is to help me collect my scattered mind, if it can be done that is (!). I have to give this one a try. My final resort after trying many other obvious mind-balms like walking, yoga, reading, talking to friends, eating, poetry, music, watching sky, attending Vedanta lecture - you name it! A truly caring reader must have noticed that the King of all remedies is missing from this list. Yes, (s)he is right. However, it stopped working for me long time ago so I've decided to lay it off. (All right, no need to sweat if you didn't notice. I did not intend to give you a guilt-trip....or did I? HAHA) I cherish those days when most of my 'gum' was easily dissolvable in a glass of rum and the big ones were broken by the rocks in the scotch. Not anymore for me but count your blessings if the King is still benevolent to you! There is something about these scribblings that is strangely soothing to my mind....

Even Mike F has an iPad and he 'luvvs' it!!! First of all, why do iPad owners have to "luvv' their iPads, why can't they just 'love' it like normal people?? Life is just not fair. I have met several people with varied demographics and a large spectrum of technological proficiencies who own an iPad. ALL of them JUST LUVVV it. I hate them. Because I don't have one. Let me first explain. My relationship with iPad is complicated. Emotionally taxing, if you will. I was fascinated by it the moment it was announced*. Picture of a person lying on her back and browsing "iPad" on her knees was the perfect sight of earthly nirvana. I thought life cannot get better than that on this planet. Put her on a hammock in Bahamas or on a MUNI in SF, no one can take away her peace. She is zen. Every day on my drive to work, I used to look at those billboards longingly. Then inhale deeply, close my eyes and grin widely. That was me. Soon to be me... ...just like a ...

I I read some lines again and again - the ones that touch me deep inside. They hold my hand and walk me through the dark alleys of my heart. (This is Alice in me)* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- II I read some emails again and again. Play some conversations in my head over and over. To feel the connection. Almost invariably, "creating" one when there isn't any to begin with. (This is me) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- III You had me at "hello"  (remember Jerry Maguire?) happens rarely in real life, if at all. But in my mind it happens constantly - except that it is not so super-romantic. It is more like "oh, I think the way she said "Hello"was slightly different than usual". Then I re-play that "Hello" in my head repeatedly and analyze: "Hello": too cold, she clearl...

  Way Back Into Love*, 21 April 2010 As advertised in the teaser in earlier note, this is an outpouring of the over-excited brain that is smitten with some of the beautiful things it came across in last few days.  I have to go back to Feb this year when I was browsing books at SFO waiting for my flight to LA. These days I naturally walk to shelves that are marked Philosophy, Spirituality, Psychology. Already in a deep brooding mode, I thought this is not good. I need to give myself a break. With effort I diverted myself to Humor/Fiction. All right, I’ve all these Wodehouse books already. :-D. Then I forced myself to browse all the staff recommendations. Finally got to the Classics where usual favorites like Jane Austen failed to charm. One staff member had written a decent review on  God of Small Things  and since it had been on my list forever, I picked it up. Whatever. I will get this over with. At checkout, I also picked up Buddha by Deepak Chopra which had sneake...

Introspection and Due Diligence, 16 April 2010 M-W Entry: due diligence 1 : the care that a reasonable person exercises under the circumstances to avoid harm to other persons or their property 2 : research and analysis of a company or organization done in preparation for a business transaction (as a corporate merger or purchase of securities) Wiki Definition - Due Diligence is a term used for a number of concepts involving either the performance of an investigation of a business or person prior to signing of a contract, or the performance of an act with a certain standard of care. - It can be a legal obligation, but the term will more commonly apply to voluntary investigations. - A common example of due diligence in various industries is the process through which a potential acquirer evaluates a target company or its assets for acquisition. M-W Entry: introspection : a reflective looking inward : an examination of one's own thoughts and feelings Wiki Definition - Introspection is t...

  Trilogy of existence, 19 April 2009 Trilogy of existence 1. One is a strong urge to storm out and rule the world. It knows what is right for everyone and how things should be. It wants to enforce it on the world and make it perfect. It demands drama, power, domination, control over everything. All walking together under his command. It sometimes translates into a rebellion - acting out, confronting, playing with mental egos of others and pinning them to wall. Sometimes it translates into the urge to create - poetry, art, beauty and reach out to all. This urge manifests differently depending on the mood but with great intensity. Great sex, major aggression, big fight, nice story or a poem. 2. Another is equally strong renunciation, a clear understanding of the limitations of the physical world and nonexistence of psychological. A knowledge of the futility of doing anything in the external world. A strong belief that everything that happens in this world is directed by the Universa...

Existential Pain (Eternal Boredom of the Spotty Mind), 2 Nov 2009 Returning back to the now-customary ritual of struggling with "keeping patience". Wait. Why? Didn't you just get a lovely new shiny buddie (a BMW!)? Yes, I did. Thank you. Aren't you happy then? I was on Saturday. Today is Monday. As it turns out, things have a tendency of getting old quickly (surprise surprise). Greener pastures are always somewhere else. Never here. So...? Yes, I am back to the  eternal boredom caused by my spotty mind,  popularly known as  existential pain  in the circle of intellectuals/philosophers/thinkers. What is this 'existential pain'? ummm...pain caused by existence on this earth...I guess..? I don't know. But I do know that it exists, because I am experiencing it. It causes extreme boredom. A symptom so severe that even when you have an important report due by end of day today, unbeknownst to yourself, you start typing a fb note vehemently. Did you google it? Of ...

  Path of Least Resistance, 15 Mar 2016 This is a note from last year that was sitting in my drafts. Recently heard a fascinating talk on "Change and The Brain" by neuroscientist David Eagleman*.  He was a really good speaker who gave a well-polished, well-practiced speech on his own research. It was impactful. Kind of like listening to a singer singing his trademark super hit song in a concert - Pankaj Udhas singing "Chitthi aayi hai" or Bryam Adams singing "Heaven".   We are used to thinking of brain as consisting of two parts - right and left or emotional vs logical or irrational vs rational; , which govern our behavior. Those of you who have read my previous notes will remember my attempts to understand their workings and live harmoniously with these often contradictory aspects.  That was 4 years ago. A lot has changed since then. I had to give my brain a "restart", sort of.  Similar to how it happens when a computer hangs. We have to shut do...

A Note on Notes, 6 Mar 2013 It has been almost a year since a note tried to come out of me and I am starting to wonder, also worry. This was the place that I frequented regularly to vent my feelings and clear my head. But lately, I am MIA*.     So, I thought about it.   Okay.  Let me be honest. At first I was more like - hey, it has been a while since I have written a cool note (of course all my notes are cool to me!), let me write one. Brightly, I opened a new page, expecting subconsciously that words will just pour out like before. But nothing. There was nothing.  First couple of times it happened, I brushed it aside thinking - oh, I have too much going on and my brain is loaded at this point. But third time made me pause. What's going on? It can't be that I have nothing to say. I mean, I am a highly opinionated person who has strong opinion about pretty much everything. Fashion, politics, events, people, behaviours, ..you name it.  It...